Monday, May 28, 2012

Stages of grief: depression

Tomorrow is my surgery. I am worried. I am nervous. People telling me that "everything will be fine" doesn't make me feel better. The last time people told me that my son died. My track record with "everything will be fine" is not a good one.

I believe I am in the depression stage of grief. I feel unmotivated, sad, and depressed. I might actually be in a bit of denial, too.

I have thought about canceling this but I don't want to get worse. Is it better to have it now then to wait 10 years when I am older and might not recover as easily? I hope so. I don't want to be a bad parent to my kids now (and I feel like I am) but isn't that better than being a dead parent? I don't know.

I know that I could technically get in the car tomorrow and get in a wreck and die and that death looms around every corner. However, it isn't often that you know in advance that you are facing something that might very well kill you. I have met people who have died from this surgery. I have met people who suffered severe complications. It's not unheard of.

There have been times in the past few weeks when I have done things and wondered, is this the last time I will do them? It's not a good feeling.

On the other hand, this time next week I will be back home and recovering and so I look forward to that. In preparation, I have decided NOT to watch anymore CRIMINAL MINDS in the meantime so that I can have a bunch of them recorded on the DVR for when I get home. 

No comments:

Post a Comment